Better off Dead Book Three Read online

  I couldn’t stop myself crying. I didn’t think I ever would be able to. I would be in a permanent state of grief now for the rest of my damn life.

  I finally removed my hand from my mouth once more. I read. I’d been taken to Saint Fredericks that very day.

  I instantly frowned at that. If Hilliker’s priests had been the one to destroy my family home, then why hadn’t they taken me?

  I flicked forward. A section of the file was missing.

  Dread filled me. I had pinned all my hopes on this thing. I’d told myself it would be able to answer my every question. But again, as I got a few answers, more questions flooded in behind them.

  I read everything else in the adoption papers. The only other thing it mentioned was that a man had taken me to send Hilliker’s. It didn’t say who that man was. There was a strange symbol beside his name, but I had no clue what it meant.

  “Dammit,” I hissed.

  One of the doctors heard. Freaking out, I managed to gather the magic to throw my adoption papers back into my subspace pocket. It cost me, and as soon as I utilized that energy, I flopped forward, almost tumbling off the bed. The doctor raced in, grabbed me by the shoulders, and helped me until I was lying again. “You cannot move. You have sustained great magical injuries. You must rest. We’ll all be in trouble if you don’t.”

  “... What do you mean?”

  The doctor laughed. “The Seventh General of the Damned will not be pleased if we let you die again. Now, rest.”

  The guy went to turn around, but I grabbed his sleeve. He stopped and inclined his head over his shoulder at me.

  I took a deep breath. “Where is Sonos? Where did he take that box?”

  “To place it somewhere safe.”

  “Safer than the tunnel system? Why not destroy it?”

  The doctor looked me up and down. Based on the exact quality of his stare, it was as if he was checking that my mind was whole. “I would assume by now that you understand Hilliker cannot be destroyed so easily.”

  “Easily?” I choked over that word. “Sonos is the Seventh General of the Damned,” I repeated, though no one needed to be reminded of that fact. “He has access to Hell and everything within it. What do you mean easy?”

  The doctor simply offered me a compassionate smile, removed my hand from his sleeve, then walked away. When he reached the door, he muttered, “Get some rest.”

  I flopped back down. I wasn’t exactly kind to my head, and it rattled against the bed. I didn’t care. Because I didn’t really care about anything. My sad eyes stared up at the ceiling. If my gaze had possessed any power at all, I would’ve bored right through it. Instead... instead all I could do was lie here, covered in tears, as weak as a newborn baby, and incapable of doing anything to protect myself let alone find out what was really happening here.

  I thought about pulling my adoption files from my subspace pocket again, but I quickly concluded there was no point. I’d flicked through them all. They listed how I’d come to Saint Fredericks, and they detailed several incidents. All of them were to do with my uncontrollable magic. I could remember a few – the rest I’d forgotten.

  I rolled onto my side. Maybe the best thing I could do was sleep. Perhaps Sonos himself would wake me up – or maybe he’d never deign to see me again.

  I curled into a fetal position. I tried to make myself fall unconscious, but a few stray thoughts kept collecting at the edges of my mind.

  ... Hilliker had come to the tunnels for that file. Presumably he would already know the contents. If his priests had been the one to destroy my family home and kill my parents, then he would’ve been well aware of that fact. As for the rest of the contents, they were just incidents that had occurred in my childhood. He would be able to find out about them by interrogating people who’d been to Saint Fredericks – people who, of course, had been lucky enough not to be burned to a crisp during his fire.

  A frown started to etch its way across my lips.

  I didn’t want to move, but at the same time, I couldn’t control my curiosity. It was crazy that it still existed, regardless of how much trouble I was in. You would’ve thought it would have flitted away. After all, there is no point in being curious if the only thing that you will face his death. It is far smarter and safer to hide from the inevitable instead.

  I sat. This time I didn’t swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I was aware of how shaky I was.

  I pushed my hand into the subspace pocket. If I’d been paying attention, I would’ve realized that I was quicker this time. It wasn’t that my magic was coming back to me – it was almost as if I was too distracted to remember that it wasn’t there in the first place.

  I plucked the file out and settled it on my lap. I went through it with the equivalent of a forensic fine-tooth comb. As I let my fingers trace over every detail, I looked for something that Hilliker might need. Was there some fact in here he was after? Some location of a special object, maybe? Some key to my past?

  There was nothing.

  Frustrated, I went to throw the file back into my subspace pocket, but that would be when I looked up at the door.

  And there, leaning against it, his arms crossed, his gaze always on me, was the one man I needed to see most. For he was the one man who could change the inevitable and give me one last chance.

  Chapter 3

  I froze. My arm was still behind my neck, my hand still clutched around the file, my subspace pocket open.

  He slowly let his gaze trace up my elbow then across to the subspace pocket then back down to my eyes. “I was told you barely had any magic left.”

  I couldn’t answer. It wasn’t as if I’d been sprung. I hadn’t lied to him. But... was that the first thing he was going to say to me?

  I didn’t want to cry, but my tears had a mind of their own. A few trailed down my cheeks.

  He pushed away from the wall. He took a step into the room. The door closed. Though at first glance it would look as if it did so of its own accord, if you looked closely, you would see the outline of his wings shifting into it.

  He took one more step toward me, but he still didn’t come too close. “You have questions.”

  “But do you have answers?”

  He looked at me. He always looked at me. I’d already described the intensity of his gaze, but you know what, that didn’t matter. The continuity of it was what was key. It never deviated. He never glanced away. He never gave you the impression that it would disappear. It was as if his gaze was the most constant thing in all the universe. You know what you can do with constant things? Anchor yourself to them. As everything else slips away into uncertainty, you can clutch hold of them to shine a path forward.

  “Don’t keep your subspace pocket open. It’s taking magic you barely have anymore. Pull the file out.”

  Though I didn’t want to follow his dictates, considering I was still upset that he’d walked away from me earlier, I still pulled the file out. I settled it on my lap.

  “Ask what you want to ask,” he said in a quiet tone.

  What I want to ask, ha? I had so many questions, I couldn’t think straight. They were all clamoring in my mind, lining up, begging to be asked first. It meant that all I did was just... sit there.

  He sighed. There was a heavy, burdensome quality to it. He finally pulled an arm from around his middle and placed his thumb against his brow. That’s when I saw that the side of his hand was charred. Not thinking of myself and certainly not cognizant of how injured I was, I went to push up. He looked at me pointedly. Then he followed my gaze. He shrugged. “I had to sacrifice something to escape Hilliker’s clutches.”

  “... Sacrifice?”

  He smiled. “Don’t worry, there were no goats involved.” He hid his hand behind his back.

  He’d tried for a joke, but it fell entirely flat. Silence flooded in again.

  “Ask your questions, Eve,” he practically whispered.

  “Why? Because we don’t have much time left? Where did yo
u take Hilliker? How long until he comes and finds me? He said that I only have five lifetimes left. He said that I’m in lockstep with the Banished. He said that I’d be—”

  He slowly brought up a hand. I had barely taken a breath. My face was probably going blue.

  “Hilliker is locked in Hell for now. But I shouldn’t have to tell you that it won’t be forever. He has grown far too powerful. The Banished has almost completely possessed him. We are...” he looked down at his feet, “running out of time.”

  “Can’t we destroy him?” The doctor had already told me that was impossible, but I needed to hear it from Sonos’s lips. There was a lot I needed to hear from those very same lips – a lot more they could do to assuage my fear.

  “Not yet,” Hilliker said, his voice quiet. I wouldn’t say it was timid, but it had no force. Though I’d been through hell, I couldn’t imagine he’d had a particularly good day either. I tried to catch a glimpse of his hand behind his back, but he wouldn’t let me.

  Speaking of which, why was the outline of his wings so weak? They flickered as if they were barely there.

  I pushed toward the edge of my bed, but he quickly opened a hand as if I was a madman with a gun. “Stay exactly where you are.”

  “Why? Don’t you want me getting too close?”

  I had never – and should never – flirt with Hilliker. But I couldn’t stop myself.

  He tilted his head to the side. He got another damn unreadable look in his eyes. “You barely have any magic left, Eve. You’re right,” he looked away, “you only have five lives left.”

  My stomach twitched. I tried to hide how much that affected me, but I couldn’t. “I thought... I thought my resurrection curse would run forever?”

  “It’s not a curse. It’s a gift. One of the greatest there is. You are blessed by the Deep. But this world is not ready for any blessings.” Again Sonos’s voice just dropped away as if he was tumbling down into a void beneath us.

  “Fine,” it was my turn to look away from him, “it’s a gift.” I locked my arms around my waist and let my fingers trail over my elbows. “But I really only have five lives left?”

  “Technically your resurrection blessing can run until you choose to end it. But,” his voice vibrated, “it is being used to feed the Banished. The Banished only requires five more doses of your light until it can manifest in this world through Hilliker.”

  I nodded. It was as if I understood that, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to.

  We descended into silence yet again. It was thorny, hard, and nasty. It felt like a knife up against my throat, even though Sonos was being gentler than he ever had been before – which was saying something.

  The silence was violent because of what it held.

  I slowly looked up at Sonos. “There’s no chance for me, is there? I have no magic left, Hilliker will eventually break free, and I’ve only got five more tries.”

  His entire face stiffened. In a single moment he looked angrier with me than he ever had before.

  It was affecting enough that I actually tilted back. “What—”

  He took a step up to me. He’d stayed by the door, but now with a single stride, he cut the distance between us in half. “How could you say that? You of all people?”

  “What does that mean?” I stammered.

  “You were given a gift of hope like nothing else. You understand what it is to have multiple chances. So why would you, of all people,” he slowed down each word, “sacrifice that now when you need it the most?”

  I hadn’t expected him to be so forthright.

  But as soon as he said the word hope, I shoved a hand down my top and clutched my cross. To think, I was doing so in front of a demon. This was technically a veiled attack. But I wasn’t about to start chanting to send him down to Hell.

  He didn’t even look pissed off that I clutched my cross. He sighed, the first indication he’d given that his fiery anger wasn’t about to blast out of him and burn through the building. “Eve,” his voice somehow dropped down so low, I almost couldn’t pick it up with my human ears, “if there was no way to fight Hilliker, you wouldn’t be here right now. You would’ve died when you were a baby. You would have died when you were six. You would’ve died when you were 16,” he said, his voice getting angrier and more strident and yet somehow his eyes becoming more compassionate at the same time.

  I blanched and started to shake. “But I... didn’t fight him back then. You... you did, didn’t you?” I hissed.

  I hadn’t intended to put Sonos on the spot. I got the feeling that he wasn’t ready to tell me the full truth yet.

  He froze. It looked as if he was in still-frame. It took a long time, but he slowly inclined his head to the side and stared at the wall.

  “Why did you help me?” I pushed further forward on my bed.

  He didn’t snap at me to turn around and lie down – he continued to stare at the wall.

  “Why did you help me?” I insisted louder.

  “Because I had no choice.”

  I hadn’t expected that answer. No – I hadn’t wanted it. Whether I liked it or not, something was building between him and me. Or at least something was kindling in my heart. Sonos had turned out to be completely different from what I’d expected. He hadn’t tried to kill everyone I’d loved – he’d attempted to protect them. And he was the only one truly by my side.

  ... What if the reason he was doing that was that he had no choice, not because he...?

  It was my turn to turn to the side and stare at the wall. I picked a particularly nondescript patch of gray paint.

  “The Banished cannot be allowed to reign again. It would destroy all the three realms.”

  I nodded. It was entirely too quick. “I understand. Who gave you the mission of looking after me, then? The Devil?”

  He didn’t answer. He looked down at his hand. Unconsciously, I kept following his moves. I looked down at mine. All I could see was my engagement ring.

  There was no point in pushing Sonos again. He’d already essentially admitted that the only reason he’d ever gotten close to me was because I was a mission to him. And fair enough. If I stopped long enough to think it through, of course that would be the case. He was right – the entire world was on the line. He didn’t care about me – he cared about existing and reality not crumbling.

  I told myself that if I’d been functioning normally and I hadn’t just had a day right out of Hell, I would appreciate that fact. No, more than that, I’d celebrate it. Because it would make a lot more sense than Sonos... what?

  I didn’t want to fill in that sentence, but eventually I couldn’t stop myself. It would make more sense than Sonos actually having feelings for me.

  I kept my gaze locked on my engagement ring. I started to play with it.

  Sonos had been holding his position as if he was an aircraft waiting for an order to land. But as soon as I clutched hold of my ring, he jolted forward. He spread a hand, the move desperate. It was not nearly as desperate as the look in his eyes. “Don’t remove that.”

  I jolted. “It’s not like I even can.” To demonstrate that fact, I attempted to pull it off. But it wasn’t an attempt. I managed to slip it right up off my knuckle. I hadn’t been able to move it at all previously.

  “Eve,” he warned in a voice full of shaking terror.

  I blanched and dropped my hand. Then I shoved the ring further down until it was securely at the base of my finger. I looked at him, my surprise clear. “Why can I take it off now?”

  “Because your magic is weak. It uses your magic to stay on your finger.”

  I opened my mouth, but then I shook my head. “That makes no sense. If it uses my magic, then I would’ve been able to remove it at any time.”

  He pressed his lips shut. He got that look in his eyes again – the one that suggested he wanted to ask something but he never would.

  Compulsively, I kept shoving the ring back down, but then I stopped. I shook my head. “What’s so importa
nt about this ring, anyway? You said that it might buy me a chance – that it might slow things down. We’re way past that now though, aren’t we?”

  He licked his lips. It was clear he wanted to say something, but he kept backing down. He turned to the side. At one point, I actually thought he would beat a swift retreat through the doors.

  I pushed further forward on my bed. That got his attention. He whirled back around to me. “Simply keep the ring on.”

  “No, Sonos, this is where you tell me everything. Because I’ve earned it. I’ve been through hell—” I suddenly chuckled. “What am I talking about? Hell is the only place I have not been through. I have been through Purgatory,” my voice dropped with emotion. “I have been through death, and I have glimpsed annihilation. If you’re trying to protect me from the truth—”

  “You need to keep the ring on because it connects you to me.”

  I frowned. My nose scrunched up. “What does that mean?”

  He laughed. I wanted to say there was an unaffected edge to it, but it was clear he was putting on a show. He suddenly grabbed his mouth. His top lip was sweaty, and it slicked across his stiff fingers. “You’re not going to give up, are you, Eve? You’re just going to keep pushing.”

  I looked at him pointedly. “Yeah, I am. Because someone I strangely respect told me about five minutes ago that I have to keep pushing, because of hope.”

  His gaze shifted up to me. “Someone you respect?” There was a question in his voice, but it was a controlled one. The look in his eyes was not so controlled, however.

  My stomach kicked. I uncomfortably stared down at my hands. “Just tell me—”

  “Why should information only flow one way? Why don’t you tell me?”

  My nose really did scrunch up now. I stared at him, a peeved look growing in my eyes. “How can I tell you something only you know? Stop playing games.”

  He laughed. I wanted to say there was an unhinged quality to it, but what it really was was defeat wrapped up in fatigue. He even pinched the bridge of his nose then let his hand fall down to his side. It thumped against his ripped pants. How his clothes were still holding onto him, I didn’t know. Presumably he would’ve had ample chances to change, but he hadn’t bothered. Maybe in his head there was no point considering the fight would continue again. Why sacrifice yet another suit?